


a soul for a star

by maggiewilliams



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Invisibility Cloak, M/M, Marauders' Era, One Shot, Sad, Sneaking Around, Sort Of, Stars, a flashback, decently long one shot, i am so bad at tagging lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 19:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15444084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggiewilliams/pseuds/maggiewilliams
Summary: "I think that everyone has a star. Some people are just lucky to be named after one, but they all have one. And when they're happy, their star shines bright."





	a soul for a star

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy!

Sirius used to be a very different person. At first he was the kind of quiet reckless that thought of brilliant plans and never partook, always afraid of getting in trouble rather than making it. He and James had pulled a rather spectacular stunt their first year of levitating an entire roast chicken and making it do a jig for the Great Hall that McGonagall very quickly put to an end, and shortly after Sirius's hands were shaking and he couldn't speak, staring at the window unnerved by the idea that an owl would fly through it bringing his mother's letter of shame. James threw his invisibility cloak over the two of them and dragged him up the long winding stairs to the top of the Astronomy tower. Neither of them knew what it was that made Sirius finally calm down; perhaps it was the quiet, perhaps it was the idea of things so very far away from here, or perhaps it was when James pointed out exactly which star in the sky was named Sirius. They must've lain up there for hours, just staring at the night sky, no questions asked.

When Remus and Sirius had gotten in another fight and the conversation escalated from the correct way to identify gillyweed to why muggleborns should not be allowed in Hogwarts (except Sirius did not say the word muggleborns and everyone was visibly angry at this), James very forcefully pulled Sirius through Hogwarts to the Astronomy tower and made him sit down and listen to why what he said was wrong. Yes, Sirius used to be a very different person, one who understood that some things were wrong but didn't know why, one who was used to swear words and curses and hitting when one was angry. Even though this wasn't the first time James had tried to talk sense into Sirius, something about the night sky changed that, and Sirius found himself listening very closely and finally understanding how things were so much different than he had learned growing up. He found himself crying, too, and James sat next to him and pulled him close and tried to comfort him the best an eleven-year-old could. He calmed down eventually, and they laid down together just like the last time.

"I think that everyone has a star," Sirius said after some time. "Some people are just lucky to be named after one, but they all have one. And when they're happy, their star shines bright."

The two fell back into silence again, James thinking it was just another one of those things that Sirius says sometimes that doesn’t mean much.

Sometimes it was Sirius who pulled James to the top of the tower. Their second year, James had gone after Severus Snape a little more maniacally than usual and received a very embarrassing hex from Lily Evans, and he refused to leave the bathroom in their dorm for the entire day. Sirius stayed up waiting until he was absolutely sure Peter and Remus were asleep, and coaxed James out and under the cloak to the stars. They laid up there for much longer, and Sirius pretended to be a centaur reading the stars, telling fake and funny futures for all of them, himself included.

"D'you think Lily will ever get with Snivellus?" James asked, pretending to be barely interested, but he was holding on to the thought of every word that could possibly come out of Sirius's mouth.

"Sure, if she likes slimy gits." Sirius glanced over at him, a smile curling on his lips, but it faltered when he saw the look in James's eyes. "Don't worry about it, mate. He's fun to torture but he probably isn't even into girls, with the look of him."

"Yeah," James replied. There was just something about the way the clouds settled over the stars that made everything in him relax, and he could almost feel Sirius relaxing too.

 

By the end of their second year, Sirius had it solidified in his mind that his little brother Regulus was going to be a Gryffindor just like himself, and even talked about it on the train to Hogwarts. ("He's become annoyed with our parents. I'm so proud.") He made James leave an empty space at their table just for him, but James saw the disappointment on his face when the Sorting Hat called "Slytherin" instead, and Regulus flashed a sarcastic, ever-so-familiar smirk at the Gryffindor table, directly at Sirius, before taking a seat directly next to Narcissa. Sirius didn't eat a single bite at dinner, didn't speak a single word to James or Peter or Remus, and didn't even look up when Lily threw a spoonful of mashed potatoes into Frank Longbottom's plate full of chocolate ice cream. When they got to their dorms again, Sirius lied down on his bed and pulled the curtains. James and Peter joined the party in the common room, and Remus, never being a liker of parties, pulled open Sirius's curtains and sat on the bed.

"I'm not getting out," he said muffled from under the covers.

"I'm not expecting you to," Remus replied. "I just figured you'd want some company."

They sat like this for a while, Remus on the end reading his book, and Sirius with his head under the covers staring at nothing at all. Then Sirius shuffled up, sitting cross-legged and slouched, and Remus noticed there was an emotion on his face he had never seen before.

"Do you think it was because of me," Sirius asked after a very long silence, "that he was put in Slytherin?"

Remus had taken notice over the past few years that most everything that happened Sirius blamed on himself. At first Remus thought it to be the same kind of selfless bravery that put most into Gryffindor in the first place, but it was this question that made Remus start to wonder if that behavior was conditioned into him rather than being such a personality trait.

"I think," Remus began slowly, "that not everything that happens is on your fault."

That emotion Remus couldn't find words for had left Sirius's face, and was replaced with the recognizable but not-often-seen dejectedness that made Remus's chest hurt just to watch.

"It has to be," Sirius answered, fiddling with the seam on his duvet, "Because our parents pushed him to be in Slytherin in the same way that they pushed me, and we think the same. We had talks all the time when Andromeda used to come around and tell us how things are in other places and he agreed with me, and then when I was sorted he said he'd rather be in Gryffindor too. So it had to be something I did."

"He's a different person than you, Sirius. Remember how you felt and how you talked your first year? He didn't have James to convince him that being in Gryffindor was a good idea." Remus closed his book and slid off the bed, opening the curtains.

"Oi!"

Remus ignored him and searched through James's trunk, pulling out the invisibility cloak. "Tonight's a good night. I want to show you something."

The two climbed up the astronomy tower and Remus threw off the cloak as soon as they got to the top, running out to the middle of the platform and looking up. The sky was wonderfully clear tonight, the moon eclipsed and invisible, and stars were everywhere, bright ones, small ones. Remus combed through them, catching sight of all the ones he knew until finally--

"There. That one right there."

Sirius walked over and tried his best to see where exactly Remus was pointing, but there was too much going on to focus on one thing. "There's a lot of ‘right there's, Moony."

"You see that funky-looking tree?"

"Yeah."

"Above that there's a triangle, and if you take the bottom of the triangle and go right, there's another star and then a hook on top of it. That constellation's Leo. The lion."

"So?"

"See right where the body and the hook meet, that bright one?"

"Yeah."

"That star's Regulus."

Sirius stared for just a moment before taking a few steps forward, his eyes never leaving that star.

"He's in the lion."

"They refer to Regulus as the heart of the lion in Astronomy. So no matter what happens, he's--"

"A Gryffindor," Sirius finished for him. "Always."

Remus hadn't seen Sirius so vulnerable in a very long time, and it took him by surprise when, as he walked forward, Sirius took his hand and pulled them both down so they were sitting, never letting go. They sat side by side, still looking out over the forest and the constellation above it, and Remus couldn't believe at all that not even two years ago Sirius had called his mother a blood-traitor and now here they were, sharing such a moment that thirteen-year-old Remus had no words to describe how it was possible to feel so close to someone. He wondered to himself, while Sirius looked around at all the other stars, which feeling made Sirius and James escape up here so often: if it was the serenity and calmness of this sky and everything in it, or the feeling of such closeness that the serenity brought with it.

 

It was long after Hogwarts that James and Sirius sat and watched the stars again.

There had been too much stress to ever think about such a thing, and it just so happened that James had come over to Sirius and Remus's flat and crashed while Lily and Harry were visiting her mother, and it just so happened that Sirius was staying awake until he watched as the clock struck midnight and August sixth turned to August seventh, and that same unrecognizable emotion Remus described to James years ago was back on Sirius's hard features, except James knew this one much better than Remus: grief.

Sirius was sat in front of the old Muggle grandfather clock that Lily had found for him, watching the seconds tick by after midnight, thinking the same thing he always did on this day, except tears had never threatened to fall before.

James stood up from the couch and pulled at Sirius's arm. "Come on," he said, "we'll go look at the stars."

The two apparated to the roof of the building, James as pleased as he always was when the sky was nice and clear, the moon too empty to cause a disturbance. They sat right in the middle, and even though it wasn't as quiet as it had been at Hogwarts, what with all the Muggle cars and the noises they made, it was still as calm and nice as it always had been. Sirius pointed after a pause, and James saw the triangle and the hook and the place they met, and they both spent a moment just to stare at that star.

"It's the brightest in the sky tonight," Sirius said. "I would hope so. It's his birthday; he better be happy."

And suddenly everything clicked for James. He remembered the words Sirius spoke the very first time they had ever gone and looked at the stars, and he remembered every single time after third year that Sirius would always comment on how bright Regulus was, and James brushed it off and commented on the brightness of Sirius and Andromeda. It took ten years but he finally understood the sadness that was always in his voice when the sky was clouded over. It wasn't that he couldn't see the stars; it was that he couldn't see Regulus. They never spoke to each other and James and Remus knew how much it pained him, but Sirius really, truly, used that star to reassure himself that Regulus was okay and happy.

_"I think that everyone has a star. Some people are just lucky to be named after one, but they all have one. And when they're happy, their star shines bright."_

James grabbed Sirius's hand and held it tight, and the sadness that had been threatening to spill over for the past week finally let go, and James did his absolute best to comfort him as he cried for the boy who didn't live to see today, his nineteenth birthday.

"I know he is."

 

How long had it been now, since Remus had taken a moment to look at the stars?

It hadn't been as long as it felt, maybe only six months, but time had passed so slowly and so quickly all at the same time, feeling like it was only yesterday he watched Sirius fall through the Veil, and decades since Remus had last held him.

It was the holidays now, or close enough for Molly and Arthur to allow him to stay at their house, as the flat he once used to share had now become painful, but being away from it had been painful more. That night he didn't sleep, just sitting awake in front of the fire, trying to will Sirius to come through the Floo somehow, to come back to him, to pretend like nothing ever happened and he was okay.

"It's a clear night tonight."

Molly's voice was sudden, but Remus did not flinch in the slightest.

"You can see all the stars. The fresh air might do you good, but it's chilly."

Remus reluctantly shuffled off the sofa, allowing Molly to slip a cloak around his shoulders. She followed him outside into the biting cold, but there wasn't much that hurt Remus anymore. He had been numb for so long that he didn't notice anything physical. He might've wandered out here and fell asleep in the snow without a care.

"We used to teach Bill and Charlie about the constellations when they were kids," Molly said. At any other time the silence of the night would've been relaxing, but tonight it was just too much, and she felt it just as Remus did. "They were really interested in it, but Percy came along and took no interest in it, so we didn't bother anymore. I still remember a lot though."

She began pointing in places and naming names, most of which were wrong but Remus didn't have the heart to correct her. But then she pointed in the place Remus had willed himself not to look and said, "Canis major."

Remus stopped looking at the stars and looked down at his feet instead, hoping to everything holy that she wouldn't say his name because if she did, he didn't think he could hold his composure anymore and he would break, and Molly looked over to him and tried so hard to find the right words, any words, because what she was about to say was everything she knew he would not want her to say. She held her tongue for the moment, and coaxed Remus back inside so he could fall into a dreamless sleep on the couch.

The next night, when Remus had been staring into the fire so long his eyes were watering, Molly came and sat next to him.

"We used to tell Bill and Charlie that everyone had a star," she said softly, "and that you could tell how a person felt by how bright their star was. If it was very bright, they were happy, and if it was dull, they were sad."

Remus had a sudden flash of sitting on the Astronomy tower with Sirius their sixth year, feeling the same closeness he always felt when he was with him.

_"You see that one, Moony? In Canis major?"_

_Remus looked up to find the constellation, and Sirius laced their fingers together._

_"That one's mine, 'cause it's called Sirius. D’you know why it's bright?"_

_"Because it's close to our solar system."_

_"No."_

_"But that's why it's bright."_

_"No. It's bright because I'm with you."_

_Remus looked over at Sirius and he had this tiny little smile on his face, not like the smirks he shared with James across the table when they were plotting something. This one was genuine._

_"Everyone has their own star up there. Mine's that one, 'cause I’m named after it. When people are happy, their stars shine the brightest."_

_Remus couldn't help the little flutter that happened in his chest as he realized what Sirius was trying to say._

_"When me and James come up here that one is almost always clouded over, but tonight it's really clear and bright. It's because I’m with you tonight, Remus." Sirius paused for a moment, trying to collect the words he wanted to say. "You make me really happy--"_

_Remus curled his fingers around Sirius's jaw and kissed him, just like he had been thinking about for a long time._

Molly was holding onto his arm now, and Remus thought he might've been crying, but she continued with her story as he wondered if it was Sirius who told her about the stars and their happiness.

"I've been watching the sky for the past few months now that I know which is which just a little better. When I was outside earlier last night, there were only a few clouds in the sky, and one of them was covering up Canis major. But when you came outside, that cloud started moving away, and all I could think was that he misses you, and you coming and looking up made him happy."

Now Remus was definitely crying, and Molly pulled him into such a motherly hug that made him feel like such a child, like he was back in his first year in the hospital wing and Molly was Madam Pomfrey's assistant who knew everything about him being a werewolf and trying to hide that she knew, and she was holding him just as she is now, feeling the leftover pain just as she is now.

Neither of them knew how long it had been since then, but Molly pulled away once Remus had composed himself again, and she cupped his face, thumbing the tear tracks that he hadn't bothered to brush away.

"Why don't we go and look at the stars?"

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments appreciated!!


End file.
